If you’ve been in a long-term relationship for years (or decades), there’s a good chance this sentence will feel uncomfortably familiar: “We haven’t had sex in years, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
That’s exactly why this week’s episode of Sex Advice for Seniors hits such a very familiar nerve for me, because it speaks to my own experience.
My guest, Elana Auerbach, didn’t come on the podcast with a tidy theory or a list of bedroom “tips.” She came with something far more useful: a lived solution and I’m all about practical ways to fix everyday problems. After nearly twelve years of frustration, mismatched desire, and quietly building resentment in her marriage, Elana and her husband found their way back to intimacy through something surprisingly simple: a weekly, scheduled pleasure practice she now calls The Sure Thing .
Yes, scheduled sex. You know, the type of sex I harp on about infinitum.
In fact, as I openly shared in the conversation, putting intimacy in the diary can be deeply liberating. When the time is protected, there’s no negotiating, no wondering if tonight is “the night,” no mental load filled with grocery lists or laundry. The body and brain get advance notice: this time is for pleasure. For many women, especially as we agem anticipation alone can gently press our internal intimacy accelerator, much like a car long forgotten in the garage. Once neglected and dust-covered, it’s now a vehicle we’ve chosen to repair, restore, and bring back to life.
What makes Elana’s approach refreshing is that it removes performance pressure entirely. The intention isn’t orgasm. Sex isn’t mandatory. Penetration isn’t the goal. The only aim is to deepen intimacy, pleasure, and connection. Sometimes that leads to sex. Sometimes it doesn’t. And paradoxically, that’s exactly why it works.
A big turning point in the episode is the discussion around responsive desire - the very normal experience of not feeling “in the mood” until touch, closeness, or sensual context begins. Many older women assume their libido has disappeared when in reality it’s simply waiting for the right conditions. A kiss on the neck. Lying in bed together. Holding hands. Small things that let the nervous system relax and say, oh, yes, this feels good.
Perhaps most powerful of all is Elana’s insistence that this practice doesn’t depend on having a willing partner. There’s a “solo Sure Thing” too, a reminder that pleasure, connection, and kindness toward our own bodies are not things we earn through relationship status.
If intimacy has quietly slipped out of your life, this episode is a hopeful place to start. And if you think scheduled pleasure sounds unromantic, you might just discover it’s the most freeing thing you’ve tried in years.
🎧 Listen to the full episode of Sex Advice for Seniors to hear Elana’s story, her practice, and why pleasure might be one of the most underrated forms of medicine we have.
The Sure Thing is out on 3rd February. Order your copy here:
00:00 Introduction to Sexual Frustration in Long-Term Relationships
01:01 The Birth of the ‘Sure Thing’ Practice
05:16 Scheduling Intimacy: A Path to Liberation
08:12 Overcoming Resentment and Reconnecting
09:26 The Solo Sure Thing: Self-Exploration and Pleasure
11:59 Building Communication Through Rituals
12:25 Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
16:28 The Power of Small Touches
18:16 Pleasure as Medicine: The Benefits of Intimacy
21:35 Navigating Imbalances in Desire
24:19 Starting Small: The Importance of Daily Connection
24:57 The Release of ‘The Short Thing’ Book
26:50 Kindness and Intention in Relationships
The Sure Thing is available from 3rd February. You can buy it from Amazon here.
On similar topic, you may also want to check out this episode.
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