Why Sexy Texts Aren’t Enough

A man left a comment on one of my YouTube videos this week after I talked about my love of wearing fun, sexy lingerie and of sexting. He said he had often bought his partner sexy lingerie and she wore it once … and never again; flirty messages seemed to have no impact either. He said, “I’ve tried everything.” He suspected she lacked body confidence despite his insistence that he loved her exactly as she is. She wasn’t having any of it.

I’m a problem-solver by nature, and his comment made me think about the many different ways people become turned on. Sexy lingerie and sexting are easy routes to arousal for me because I’m not in a live-in relationship, a long-term partnership, or any arrangement that requires me to show up as anyone other than my sexual self. I’m not hard to please. A man can tempt me with the offer of a wisp of silk, and I’m horny. I’m never going to see his grey underwear or have to wash his socks. Being free of all the stuff that often gets in the way of sexual pleasure makes it easy to be with someone I like for no other reason than exploring each other’s bodies and erotic fantasies.

If I had to factor in all the other stuff most couples deal with, whether, for example, the domestic load is shared fairly, whether one partner’s libido is higher than the others, or whether caregiving is creating tension, then perhaps being handed a nice nightie wouldn’t do it for me either.

It’s so much easier to be playful in a relationship when playfulness is essentially the whole relationship. Once reality intrudes and you’re negotiating who takes out the rubbish, who cooks the dinner, or who makes weekend plans, it’s easy for the sexual side to be side lined or to slip away completely. Before you know it, you’re lying next to someone who feels more like a friend than a lover. I’ve been there and it was a lonely place. I’d rather sleep alone than next to someone who has no desire to touch me.