The Ins & Out of Cunnilingus

Moving away from PIV sex as being the main course

I’ve been going down the rabbit hole that is reading the threads on Reddit related to Erectile Dysfunction and there is a recurring theme in the majority of posts, which is that there’s far too much emphasis on PIV (penis in vagina) sex, and not enough on the multiple other ways to pleasure a woman.

My former co-host

Zoe Kors

and I prefer to use the term ‘unreliable erections’ rather than Erectile Dysfunction (ED), which has an overwhelmingly negative connotation, rather than calling it out for what it so often is, which is that for some men, erections are not always guaranteed.

Fifty percent of older men, for example, those over 50, commonly will experience unreliable erections. Similarly, 50 percent of women over 50, will commonly experience some form of vaginal dryness. My view is that we need to stop shaming people over what are often symptoms of ageing, and instead, reconsider the multiple ways we can give and receive sexual pleasure that doesn’t always have to involve penetration. PIV sex is wonderful, but it’s not the be all and end all.

If Reddit is any indication, countless men feel immense pressure to maintain strong or lasting erections, often leading to feelings of inadequacy. Their posts reflect a heartbreaking cycle of self-limiting beliefs, where they focus on "performance" rather than exploring the myriad other ways to bring pleasure to their partners.

In my twenties and up until my divorce, I didn’t come across men who enjoyed or even knew how to ‘go down.’ It’s only since I’ve been single that I have encountered men who are so amazing at cunnilingus that all other sexual acts pale in comparison.

Initially, when experiencing the delight that is cunnilingus, I didn’t quite believe that for these men, it wasn’t solely a way to prepare me for penetration. I found it difficult to fully let go. I was so invested in their pleasure, that I couldn’t accept my partner could be equally invested in my own. It was only, after climaxing, and seeing the broad smile on my partner’s face, I understood that, for him, my satisfaction delighted him.

I recently came across a Substack post about cunnilingus, ‘How to Eat Pussy Like a God,’ and what stood out to me was how personal and unique each woman’s preferences are. For example, the guide mentioned talking dirty and being vocal, both of which are not a big turn on for me. I don’t need you to tell me how much you love my pussy, your evident appreciation and appetite for oral sex is enough proof for me.

How to know what’s working?