Sex After 60: My Scandalously Satisfying Sunday Ritual

All the fun, none of the aggro. What's not to like?

My sex life has apparently become tabloid-worthy. Why? Because I’m 64 and I have sex (mainly) on Sunday afternoons with a man I’m in a casual relationship with. Shocking, right? A woman my age? Still having sex!? And with someone she’s not married to? And yet, when I tell people working in the media about my setup, once the interview is over and they are off the clock, the most frequent comment I receive is, ‘Sounds ideal. I wish I could find this type of arrangement.’

Frequently I’m asked about whether this has always been the way I’ve lived my life or whether I’ve participated in more traditional relationships. Because I suspect there’s an assumption that once you’ve been married, had children, followed the path that has been trodden on by the majority of my generation, then that’s the path you continue to follow. They want to know whether I’ve always been an outlier. I would argue that the opposite is the case - it’s because I’ve done the marriage, had the kids, had my fair share of longish-term, monogamous relationships, that I’ve decided to rethink what a good relationship would be for me.

I have never enjoyed living with a man. I’ve always taken on the majority of the domestic labour and I didn’t like it. I have never enjoyed watching television on the sofa together, sleeping together (I’m an absolute nightmare to sleep next to, due to being restless and waking often during the night). I’ve never liked figuring out what we’re going to do on the weekend, and having to factor in someone else’s desires alongside mine. Call me selfish; I’m OK with that. I’ve never been particularly good at being monogamous either. I like variety and the opportunity to experience ‘first date energy’ from time to time.

I believe you can design the relationship that suits you at any age, and I see young people doing this all the time. It’s time older people got on board with this notion too. If you’ve never enjoyed living with a partner, then don’t. If you want to see someone only on weekends, then stipulate that when you’re chatting with a prospective date. And if you don’t want to have sex with the same person all the time, and have the opportunity to have sex with others (safely), then why not?

For me, I like being ethically non-monogamous and with others who have no desire to be shacked up together, to do everything together, to basically be part of a traditional ‘couple.’ For the past couples of years, I’ve seen one person more than any others I know and although it’s mainly monogamous, we do occasionally have fun with another couple we know.

I call it a situationship. Some journalists have suggested it’s a friends with benefits arrangement. Let me be clear. It’s not "friends with benefits.” We weren’t friends to begin with, and I’ve never met his mates or his kids. We don’t do stuff that friends would usually do together.

We don’t hang out. Unsurprisingly, we met on a hook-up site, and we’ve hooked up regularly ever since.

Over the past couple of years since we met, I’ve been to his place a handful of times. Mostly he comes over to my place because it’s more convenient in that, while his grown-up son lives with him, I’m mainly alone (if I don’t count my AirBnB guests on constant rotation!).

We chat on the phone maybe once or twice a week, but it’s more “logistics coordinator” than heartfelt catch-up. Occasionally, we sext because anticipating his arrival helps turn up the heat for both of us. We both tend to avoid ping-pong texting to the point where I might not receive a response to a message for a day or two, which may seem odd, but when you’re with someone that isn’t glued to their phone, not all that surprising. I hear Ed Sheeran only checks his phone once a week so clearly my guy is not the only one out there ignoring his mobile.

He’s met a few of my friends when he’s come to watch me perform (he’s not a fan, but interested), but that’s as far as integration goes. He joined me in the Canaries once, and he’s booked to come along when I head to NYC in October to visit my son and some old friends. Mostly, though, we have sex. And he’s my go-to sex toy tester - a role he takes on with enthusiasm.

I’d say we’re close in that you can’t spend hours together every week (not all of it naked) without learning a thing or two about each other. But I probably know more about him than he does about me; he’s not exactly Mr. 20 Questions. What I do know is that he’s a character.

His life is like a screenwriter’s goldmine: colourful, cockney, a bad boy history, and endlessly entertaining. I let him do most of the storytelling because it’s like a mini-vacation from my own life. And impressively, in all our time together, he’s rarely repeated a story. Most men I’ve dated run out of material by the twelfth date, tops. The fact he still hasn’t repeated a tale - that’s a massive plus point in my book.

As for the juicy bits…